• Fiona Martha

Be Honest with Yourself

Quite an honest post from me today, and one I don't find particularly easy to write.

As someone with my fair share of illnesses and mental health problems, it's very easy for me to just blame any mistakes on my part, or any laziness, on one of them. It also makes it incredibly easy to dwell on my negative emotions. Because let's be real, for someone with as many valid excuses as me, that can be whipped out as a permanent 'get out of jail free card', nobody in their right mind is going to call me out on my behaviour.

I'm working on myself every day, but it's hard to unlearn bad habits. It's amazing how often I'll screw up and blame it on some side-effect of my illnesses, or my mental health. If I snapped at my friends, then I'd hide behind my depression. If I was too lazy to do something, claiming I couldn't because of my anxiety or because my body was being iffy was a quick fix. It was all these little instances, where I'd always promise myself 'it was a one-time thing' when in reality I was excusing my mistakes instead of owning up to them.

As someone who has a constant desire to be perfect in every way, I refused to believe that it was okay to mess up. I needed to have a reason, to have an excuse so that nobody could believe anything was my fault. My perfectionism forbade me to be human.

I watched my father, a stroke survivor, wallow in, and hide behind his issues for ten years. And looking at that example, I knew that the road I was on would only lead me to the same place. I made the concrete decision to start being candid. With everyone else, but most importantly, with myself.

Admitting when you're wrong, or allowing yourself to have flaws, is so hard. And when you can easily move the blame onto an issue you have, why would you be real with yourself? This isn't to say that my illnesses and mental health problems don't cause issues, make me grumpy, aren't the literal bane of my existence.

What I *am* however saying, is that we always have a choice. We always, always have a choice on how to act. We can hide behind ourselves forever, or we can be open, accept our mistakes, and apologise to the people we hurt. Saying sorry to the people you affect, including yourself, and meaning it, is one of the hardest yet most healing changes I've made in my life. I'm still not perfect at it, but I'm working on it. And everyone should ask themselves whether they're really being the realest version of themselves that they can be.

- F

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